Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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