Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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