Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
