that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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