I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
