look no pants
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
