My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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