his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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