I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
