I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
