I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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