Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
