its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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