I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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