I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
