Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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