ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
