i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
