So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
