He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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