Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
