he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
