How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're a disaster
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