I'm really into asian looking animals
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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