i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
