You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i drank out of a bidet.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
