Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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