His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
