her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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