Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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