I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I want to be your penis for a week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
