they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
