Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
