Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
