I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I touched a dick in church today
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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