I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
