the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
