So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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