birth control should be required to get into college
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
