peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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