I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
