Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
