You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
