Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We named our party play list daddy issues
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You made out with two different species that night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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