I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
