Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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