someone owes me an orgasm
i love accidental penises.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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