Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
