I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
