dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
