our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it penis luge time yet?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
