It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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