I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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