I'm lost and stupid without you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
